Simplicity Parenting

If you are a parent and haven't read this book yet by Kim John Payne, don't waste another minute! I've read tons of parenting books, and "Simplicity Parenting" may be THE BEST, most practical, most articulate, most relevant parenting book of our time. I consider it a tool in the belt of anyone who is struggling to fight the tide of over-indulging, over-scheduling and over-obsessing about the kids. If you know that Less really is more but have a tough time explaining it to the other PTA moms or your parents or the aunts who think your kids are deprived because you don't take them to the dollar store for fun-buy this book.


I really hesitate to go into detail into any of it, because I can't possibly do it justice. The book, itself, is so clearly and thoughtfully written that I'll just defer. Payne articulates so well, with tangible support, things that I know to be true but I'll be darned if I can explain. 


He advocates creating a balance among 1) activity and busyness, 2) pauses and down time and 3) periods where the child is completely immersed in a pursuit for the pure enjoyment of it-(without you staging it). The kind of activity where he loses track of time. Payne discusses and supports why it's critical to make time for each of these. But the book covers lots more.


The other thing I love about the book is that he's just not hanging his hat on generalities. He doesn't say, "such and such will lead to burnout". Instead, he illustrates with sometimes brilliant analogies, how an imbalance and hyperparenting is so counterproductive.


I talk with a lot of parents about how invasive organized sports can be to our family even though the kids don't do a lot of them. I love to watch the kids on the field, court, whatever, but I get so resentful about the disruption to good dinners, regular bedtimes and the overall routine and wellness of the family dynamic. I've said all along, that I think kids would be much better off playing baseball in each others' backyards until they were 12 than starting T-ball when they were 4. It's crazy and unnecessary. Payne generally agrees and he gives solid support for it.


Since Mark teaches tennis for a living, all of the kids had a racket in their hands at a very early age. I resisted as long as I could to jump into the tournament "circuit" but I wish I would have waited longer. Hannah and Luke were 9 and 8 when they started playing tournaments. Generally, the parents are hyper-involved, obsessing about points and line calls and ranking. Tennis is unique in that it has no clock, kids keep the score themselves and it is self-officiated -unless there is a problem. That's a lot of pressure for any kid, let alone an 8 year old. I'm generally disenchanted with the tournament system for young players and think it's really odd that most of the kids who are playing at this level hardly ever just go out and play for fun. I think people must think I'm odd that the kids don't play more tournaments or every tournament. Finally, I have a resource to back up my intuition. I really don't care what other parents think but it's been challenging to articulate to Mark and the kids why I don't think it's a good thing to enter every tournament that comes down the pike. Naturally, they get caught up in the wave of expectation. "Everyone else is playing that tournament, why aren't you? It's double points!" 


Luckily, I don't have to deal with the too-muchness of school but this book gives me even more incentive to carve out time where we don't have anything scheduled. 


I've been reading snippets to Mark. He hasn't disagreed with anything so far and he's motivated to read it himself which I think will help in making simpicity a priority for him, too.

Approaching the Books

As a homeschooler, it's very difficult to let go of books. Some of the best homeschool support and reference books aren't typically available in the library. Curricula specific to homeschoolers is hardly ever available. The same goes for Catholic books, both fiction and non-fiction. Those are the main categories that I purchase the most and have the hardest time purging. And to be honest I looooooove the look, feel, even the smell of a good book in my hands. I'm attached.

This is a tough purge but I'm applying 4 criteria.

1) Is the resource readily available at the library? If so, I don't need it.

This standard helped me purge books like specific animal books (polar bears, bats, lions, etc.), some books about weather, planets, that kind of thing. This was easier to do if I decided that the quality of the book wasn't that great.

2) Have I used the resource often or within the past 2-3 years? (I think for other things one year is a good limit but with books, we often come back to a topic or time period a few years later as the younger kids revisit it ). If we did study the subject matter that the book covers, did we use this particular resource? If not, bah-bye.

3) Does the book have a schizophrenic quality. You know the kind, you open it and are assaulted with scads of pictures or drawings all over the 2 page lay-out with blurbs or captions for each small vignette.

Most Usborne and DK books are formatted in this way and some are good but generally, they give me a headache just looking at them and I think that presentation can be overwhelming. Come to think of it, most of the textbooks that the schools use have this format which is why I don't use them. Sensory overload, which is not what I'm looking for at this point. Less is more in this regard, too. I won't get rid of books like this if the kids have actually used and enjoyed them, though.

4) Do I need to apply the principles of detachment and trust? Abby Sascer has a great ebook available here in which she replaced the term decluttering for detachment. There's plenty of scriptural support for this principle and she makes a good case for it as well. I realize that if I don't detach from my stuff, including books, I'm not going to achieve order in my home. Things aren't totally chaotic here, far from it but there are things that we have to simplify in order to focus on the things that matter. The problem is that stuff gets in the way of even knowing what matters. "Trust" applies to letting go of resources that the kids likely won't use for a few years. Here, I'm dispensing with the "we-might-use-it-some-day" mentality. It takes trust to tell myself that if the kids are studying that particular topic in 2 or 3 years, then I will have the resources to provide what they need and most likely it will be a better fit.

Finally, it might seem wasteful, but I decided to recycle or donate books whose pages are yellowing, staple bound (like cheap scholastic books) and any books that have seen better days. I think holding junky books detracts from the innate pleasure of reading. No matter how classic the story is, if the book is beaten up, it's getting chucked.

Now the debate about what to do with all of these books. Some will most definitely go to the library. I can offer homeschooling friends a look-see, but I so hesitate to clutter up their bookshelves. (Any of my friends reading can shoot me an email-trust me, you probably don't want or need what I'm getting rid of).  I may take them to the used book sale at our local homeschool conference next week, but again, that's a lot of energy. I think I'll have more tolerance for expending energy on "stuff" after lent. I've been toying with the idea of letting my older 2 children list books on half.com. Sort of like a mini-business. They can enter them, price them, prepare them for mailing and I can get them to the post office.

I'll let you know how this is going as I work on this area of clutter in the house.